Thursday, October 25, 2007

Stories about Cats and Dogs

Through the Valley of Death

What is a Cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They're totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They're moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?
- Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
- They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They leave their toys everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer:
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"


Feline Situation Wanted Ads

Gourmet seeks position as chief food taster. Excellent taste in venison, salmon and other fine meats. Connoisseur of cream. Will indicate quality of all foods tasted with loud purring.

Young cat, suffering delusions of lion hood, requires easily scared family. Not yet able to dispatch wildebeest, will practice regularly on local wildlife.

Elderly tabby seeks employment as bed warmer. Will keep bed warm throughout day in return for daily salary of Whiskas and water. Gets along well with similarly inclined felines of all colors and willing to work as a team or will cover additional beds on shift rotation basis. Suitable replacement for hot water bottle, does not cool down during night.

Daredevil, enjoys living dangerously, seeks untamed wilderness to explore/subdue between breakfast and evening dinner. Will keep territory free of children, dogs, rabbits and other cats. Will contribute towards own meals.

Adagio dancer and operatic singer prepared to give exhibitions any time, need board and lodging together. Midnight performances a specialty.

Small conscientious cat willing to work hard in return for good home; will tackle and destroy any creature up to a fair-sized moth; will scare away flies; not afraid of spiders.

Sweet-natured, well-behaved cat, handicapped by enormous size, needs large country estate. Would make ideal companion/chaperone for single person with strong lap, good income and excellent taste in food.

Reformed juvenile delinquent seeks position with understanding family. No longer bites unless meals are late. Suitable replacement for guard dog.

Retired rodent-control operative seeks position controlling slow or disabled rats, maintaining physical presence or willing to supervise younger cats.

Tortoiseshell sisters seek large cat basket, sleeps 2, in well appointed location with en-suite gas-fire. Fully qualified lap-warmers/purrers, willing to occupy laps on job-share basis. No mousing.

Trouble getting up in the morning? Enthusiastic feline alarm clock, preset to 5am seeks position after previous job fell through. Punctual, seven days/week.

**Excerpts from a Dog's Diary**
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

**Excerpts from a Cat's Diary**
Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

Day 189 of my captivity. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Day 194 of my captivity. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

Day 204 of my captivity. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 217 of my captivity. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

Day 232 of my captivity. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

Day 241 of my captivity.The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…

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